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On being a Woman

I am a Woman. An ordinary woman in an extra ordinary world. I won’t argue, protest, sermonize or debate on what it is to be one, I honestly don’t know any other way of being. Being a woman is a simple fact of my life, but, one which shapes what and how I am. If I see the world a certain way is it because I can’t help it, who I am colors what I see.

What am I made of? It is fear that is the defining force, fear of the ‘unknown’, fear of what may be, fear of myself, fear of making wrong choices and disappointing, fear of not doing all what I’m supposed to be doing. Fear of what surrounds me, fear of other people, fear of never getting to know myself, fear of not knowing myself at this moment, fear of loss and losing, fear of compulsions, fear of needs, fear of making compromises and fear of not taking the opportunity when it comes knocking,fear of not making a lasting impression in form of my child I raise, fear of never being enough and more than enough for him, fear of a life wasted, fear of realizations made too late, fear of my own fears.

Feelings in vicissitudes, emotions in flux, highs and lows, from ecstasy to despondency, happiness to depression, laughter to frustration, this constant cartwheel of surges and lows is what I’m made of. The very picture of what is real is constantly being recolored by the feelings I feel at any given moment. From loving to hating, from friendship to irritation, from patience to sheer exasperation, from talking incessantly to just being mute. From thinking to confusion, from decision to suddenly losing control.

I dream. Dreaming, visualizing, wanting, trying to grasp what is not, always running after what may be than what is. Living future memories, living in the future constantly and actually being nostalgic about events which will be in my minds eye. Reaching and trying to be that future me, as that me is always better, prettier, refined, well-read, contented version of my present sorry self. Always having that eternal hope that life and me in future would be that.

That to me is being a woman. What is to be you?

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