In the last decade or so, electronic media in Pakistan has seen a phenomenal growth. So much so that anchors of various channels have become a household name. Many of them enjoy celebrity status, which is commonly associated with the artists of entertainment industry. Everyday different political shows are conducted on news channels, which set and break many TRP records (which is directly proportional, to how much their guests fight with each other). But one thing is common among all of them, a guest who has graced all of these talk shows. In some of these shows, his presence is such a regular occurrence that it can make you think, that he might be the co-host of the show and not a guest.
It is believed that, the shows in which he appears as a guest, set new TRP records. He is known as “savior” or “messiah” especially for budding anchors, because he attracts the eyeballs with his “Deshi Tadka” style of speech, for otherwise dead rubber shows. Some people think that, he must have made a Guinness World record by now, for the most number of one-on-one interviews. Last year in the famous 126 days long PTI sit-in, he earned the title of “revolutionist” (God forbid) and was given the name “Sheikh Mao Zedong” (SMZ) on social media.
After the landmark report of judicial commission about the 2013 general elections, Mr. SMZ presence was missing from the mainstream media (which can be categorized as the next big thing after Ayan Ali’s famous “hood appearance” in the court). We were informed by our lazy sources that, Mr. SMZ is in China at the moment (may be asking for forgiveness on Mao Zedong’s grave), so we decided to take his point of view for the very first time about, what will be the next appropriate date of “Qurbani”?. He was reluctant to give interview at first, because of the unprecedented flop blogging record we have, but was kind of enough to agree afterwards. We sincerely hope that this interview will guide our blogging career towards the right direction.
The Interview
ME: Sir, thank you very much for taking your precious time out for our blog. How are you?
SMZ: I was fine.
ME: Glad to know that Sir. My first ….
SMZ: Why are you glad? Just moments ago, I was fined by my butcher because he was waiting to do “Qurbani” since last August, and you are happy about it?
ME: I am extremely sorry Sir; I thought you were referring to your health.
SMZ: Everyday is not Sunday my friend. Leader’s words have so many different meanings; this is your first interview with me. Ask the regular culprits, what kind of variety I deliver in their shows with my words.
ME: Leader? But Sir I thought you are a politician. Anyways coming back to my question, what will be the effect of JC’s report on political scene?
SMZ: Look my friend, the political scene will move forward on the old “Taal”. But one thing is for sure, that butcher’s market will be greatly affected this coming Eid, due to absence of “Qurbani”.
ME: And what is this “Old Taal”?
SMZ: You are not a very clever person (takes a deep puff of cigar). I will remain the only opposition leader in assembly even with one seat; they will keep on turning my mic off. Imran Khan will visit the assembly only, when Nawaz Sharif will attend the session, which means once in a year. The supporting cast of both the parties will keep on playing flute in the assembly. PTI and PML (N) will keep on fighting like spoiled kids in the political shows. PPP leadership will keep on doing rock and roll between Pakistan and Dubai. And I will keep on giving non-stop interviews on news channels and answer questions about PTI, regardless of the fact that I have my own party AML. You need further explanation?
ME: Phew, that was quite an explanation. Just a while ago, you claimed that you are a “Leader”. Can you differentiate between a leader and a politician?
SMZ: Off-course, leader is the one who can see behind the wall.
ME: You mean who can foresee?
SMZ: No, I mean who can literally see behind the walls which are in front of him.
ME: Seriously? (Now I know why “Jon Snow” decided to serve at the “Wall”). And you can do that?
SMZ: Child’s play, whenever my favorite “Naan Chole wala Uncle”, passes by my “Red Tomb”. Even sitting behind the large walls of my “Tomb”, I know he is in the street.
ME: (Tomb?) This is amazing Sir (Looks like “Stephenie Meyer” has a plot to work on for another Vampire novel). I think you have some special abilities.
SMZ: What’s so special in having a nose? I can smell “Naan Chole” from a long distance. Haven’t you seen my video in which I am absolutely tarnishing my lunch? I am a Foodie.
ME: Anyways moving on to my next question. In an interview you said that “After 2007, I decided that I will only tell the truth”. So what to make of your statements before that?
SMZ: Before that, I was a Federal Minister for eternity. Next question please.
ME: You declare yourself “spokesperson” of the poor people. But you travel in a bullet proof sedan, lives a luxurious life. Your critics call you a hypocrite, your views on it?
SMZ: People are jealous that I am so much popular in electronic media. So what, if I travel in aeroplane or bullet proof sedan, my heart beats with the poor’s.
ME: I beg your pardon Sir. Let’s move on to the next question. What do you predict, what will happen in the next 6 months?
SMZ: Apart from the obvious that, journalists will keep on interviewing me every week. I can’t predict anything else right now.
ME: But why Sir?
SMZ: My “sources” are on vacations these days.
ME: Sorry Sir, can you please elaborate?
SMZ: You are dumber than your looks. The chefs, peons and gardeners, working in the houses of people with “uniform” and without “uniform”, are enjoying summer vacations in their villages.
ME: You make predictions based on their information?
SMZ: Yes, why not?
ME: And you think people who run this country, share matters of national importance with their gardeners, chefs and peons? (What’s the fuss about being an investigative journalist?)
SMZ: Kiddo, only intelligent people listen to what I say.
ME: Sir, we are not doing a live show people will read this blog, they can’t listen it.
SMZ: Well that’s the only drawback of doing non-stop interviews; you tend to repeat the same thing again and again.
ME: My last question Sir, do you have any plans of getting married?
SMZ: Imran Khan does make me jealous. But “Fasad Virk” promised me that he will run a trend for me #SheikhKiAayeGiBaraat, in the near future. If my fans around the globe want me to get married, than do make it the top trend on Twitter, and I will think about it.
ME: Thanks a lot Sir. This is it from our side; we hope you liked our exclusive conversation with Mr. SMZ. Until next time, goodbye.
Note: The views and statements stated in this blog are purely fictitious. But didn’t you know that already?
(Grammatical mistakes in Sheihk Rasheed’s answers are deliberate)
