What I fear the most….
After colossal losses in life what is it that would scare a person the most? I feel scared all the time, fear is a part of my reality and it is become a constant scene that dances in my eyes, no matter where I am and what I am doing, a threat, a nagging dull apprehension, a constant alarm is sounding in the depths of my being as though, in some deep dark cavernous hole of my soul there penetrates the sharp needle of this pervasive – what if? this unknowing known conclusions, this fearful symmetry of some very rational thoughts of how things may turn out to be in the coming days, this perpetual lingering nuisance in the very bottom of my heart that what is, is not really how it actually is! and I’m in some naivete thinking it to be so and setting course for another arduous journey to unknown destinations.
Time is fleeting. This is probably a very trite observation, nothing peculiar or highly imaginative, yet, when we come to think of it in terms of how our life is fleeting and going before our very own eyes it becomes a little bit more interesting. I want to know where are all my yesterdays have departed to? are they still existing somewhere in the timeline and is it only me who is moving along that line and all events in my life are constantly happening simultaneously for all eternity? and is it only my experiencing of them that makes them come alive and in the forefront. In this scenario, who am I? and what is my place?
What I fear the most now is (if I can take the liberty of pointing down to my single most fear) the vanishing, the end of my life as it is now. Yes, with all its turpitude and trepidations and problems, I have traveled to this place and have made a safe haven for myself and my son. The disturbance of this near perfect equilibrium, the change that may change what is, the vicissitudes of time which make it mandatory for all tomorrows to be different from all today’s is what scares me! I want this platitude, this safe comfortable phase to last me a life time, no more turbulence is what I desire the most. Let others seek excitement, I am happy in my monotonous existence that reassures me for change scares me.
I fear people around me taking on unfamiliar and unpleasant roles, and please don’t tell me that this is unlikely for I have witnessed how very likely this can be! I fear my son changing into someone I am unable to comprehend and communicate with, I fear the loss of his love, I fear what I want may never come to pass and my yearnings of today may become my sorrow of tomorrow, I fear abandonment, relinquishment, leaving by those who at some point of my life have come closer to me. I fear deception. I fear dissimilitude, I fear hypocrisy, and most of all I fear losing myself while facing these fears!