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Look back in ANGER!

I, for one am not good at forgiving. I don’t really understand what people mean when they say that I have forgiven and forgotten this and that person, and I am hardly talking of trifles here. I mean forgiving those who have really hurt you badly and have left your life a complete desolate waste, or at least had tried to do that. I am talking of close ones playing havoc with your feelings of trust, love and loyalty. I mean hurting you in the worst possible way by their deceptions, by their conniving and of course eventually by their willful abandonment.

I cannot understand how to forgive people like that. They may be one or two such people on one’s life, but they are able by their machinations to completely alter your life and devastate it. And then, irony of all ironies, you are told that only when you can find in your heart to forgive these very caustic person you are forever stuck in throes of hatred and the venom of such vile feelings and it is eventually eating you up from the inside! I think that is a double-blow if ever there was once!

I must bear the hurt inflicted by a person close to me, I must reinvent my life and build it from scratch, I have to let go, no! I must also find it in my heart and soul to truly forgive this hideous person, for I am told, I would never be able to move on otherwise and be caught up endlessly in a cycle of hate.

My response to all this high flying talk is, the hell with forgiveness and moving on. Let’s be realistic! How can we just get that in our ourselves? this intense volume of love and kindness, that while we are suffering from pangs of hurt, and humiliation, we must get up, stand tall and pronounce forgiveness of this very person! Call me what you may, but you would not call me a liar – for this is next to impossible. Of course, such forgiveness is there and is legendary and tactful as in the case of Hazart Mohammad forgiving enemies of Islam, the residents of Mecca in 630 hijra. But, here my argument is, that he was a prophet and hence capable of great deeds, and secondly, it was a political move of the highest acumen and strategy. How do I or you a mere mortal of limited wisdom find in us to forgive those who have hurt us beyond belief?

And, why should I or we forgive? is it because it is said so by our religion? is it because it is expounded by important philosophers and thinkers? is it because it the ‘right’ thing to do? My question is – how do we, or I, find in myself this forgiveness? this infinite kindness to stop the river of hate and venom that flows in my heart? how do I stop myself from getting palpitations and hysteric every time I think about the injustices that person has perpetuated on me? I know, those who have read a bit of psychology will put me in stage 2 or 3 of grieving and will certainly proclaim that I am infested with sheer vengeance for all that has happened to me, and will soon find it in me to let go and forgive.

I say none of that! I will forever hate, and forever curse, and forever hurt for some things, certain actions, and certain wrongs can never be righted! all me anal, call me regressive, call me depressed, call me harsh…. but you can never call me a liar!


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