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Rishta – THE HORROR!‏

Disclaimer: The facts mentioned/cited are anything but facts. The ideas matter though.

“Aunty ayi hen, rishta ley kay’, this statement is a lightening bolt thundering another ‘Nelofer’ approaching without consent, for a leisure trip down the memory lane, when ‘saas bhi kabhi bahu thi’. More like grocery shopping at Metro, where you scrutinize the ‘dairy products’ as per your budget and ‘needs’; the aunties, dressed to perfection, drop by and there the hunt-check starts. Oh, wait, what century am I referring to precisely speaking? B***h, you guessed it. 21st century! Where: Pakistan. Why: 1. Islamic Republic 2. That’s what has been happening so it’d better continue. 3. Sc*** all the reforms of every kind at every level, Rishta-Test Report qualifies more merit than a PhD. Plus, a female (human, of course) with a PhD is too old to take the test anyway. We have got our uncles, prone to tharak-syndrome, to take them, you know, as 3rd, 4th wife perhaps.

The Rishta-trend dates back to the origin of species, when Darwin – married b.t.w, claimed us originated from Apes, once saw a group of apes – females, heading towards another dwelling, all dressed in cool leaves and shi*. Soon, the leader ape (a she) came out stomping angrily, leaving the dwellers all sad and dismal behind. Darwin could guess, it must have been ’the Rishta-Audit’. The social custom, thence, was passed over from generations to generations, evolving as humans, physically only, with a few exceptions of brains may be. But the only keepers of the code-of-whatever-ship surviving in the 21st century could be found in an Asian society – let’s narrow down to ones in Pakistan for a better analysis.

In Pakistan, Rishta-Hunt functions as an autonomous, non-profit body, mediated by the match-makers around the globe, (don’t forget the aunties overseas), with an objective of finding a perfect match/soul mate for the men  and women, beyond age, cast, creed. The definition of a perfect match, mutually agreed upon by the successful match-makers and aunties-next-door, goes like this: “Girl: educated – Doctor at least, beautiful - Deepika at least, Tall – Maria Sharapova at least, age – 20 at most, perfect cook - Gulzar at least, innocent but well-versed when required in domestic politics, and not to forget, Religious: Alhuda-qualified at least, Rich - apna-house, car, gold, etc. Male: rich, sexually-active, car, house.” This universally accepted definition has been drilled in the brains so deep that it can be claimed as a mindset malignant in its effects. Nevertheless, the chicks around would be wondering how to score considerable bands in RT - Rishta Test. Here are some of the Do’s and Don’ts for all the young-boisterous-processed females of our society. Don’t forget to thank me in the comments, just saying - Ba Dum Tuss*

To score 8.5-9 bands in the Rishta Test:


1. Dress-up well:

Wear something trendy, with light make-up on, open hair if long, tied, only if oily, heels if short, more heels if tall. Yes, please perfume yourselves as you’d have to hug any of the counter-party members. No, not the guy. Not happening.

2. Keep Calm:

Keep calm as it ain’t a big-deal. Don’t get all heebie-jeebies-oh-my-god-I-am-being-rishtaofied in front of them. They like calm chicks. Your response during the scrutiny must be patient and yielding. If you looked up during the scrutiny and your eyes met theirs, Drat!

3. Smile – Nothing else turns those creeps on.

4. Serve them:

Ladies, you’d better learn how to pour tea in a cup, to perfection, like exactly proportionate to the desired standard. You spill tea in saucer, you are barred from the RT right away. No questions asked.

5. Talk to the Aunties only. Uncles are never supposed to be addressed or made a conversation with during the RT.

6. Excuse them during the conversation and leave. It’d testify your shyness.


1. Can you speak? Nay-Not Interested:

Wait, are you qualified, a Masters may be, from a renowned university with a 2 years work experience. “Ennnn - Wrong Answer - Neener-Neener - sad trombones playing.” DO NOT show that. Shush the damn mind. Play all dumb and gooey. And, yes, nod only – in affirmation mostly.

2. Don’t Eat:

Are you serious? Did Depika eat when Ranvir brought her proposal in the movie, Ram Leela? Or whenever they were making out and – sorry, got carried away. So, yes. DO NOT EAT a damn morsel.

3. Do not Laugh. LOL is prohibited, also LMAO, LMFAO, ROFL etc.

4. Don’t Look at the Guy!

‘Sluts’ do that. A death stare from your would-be saas would be imminent if you did so, followed by reprimanding gazes from your parents, siblings etc. Play shy.

5. Don’t Slouch. Straight back, head down. Nice, that’s more like it.

These RT-score indicators have been certified by the Royal Institute of Social Norms, Government of Pakistan.*

Now, the next time you are being tested. Get the dice rolling and watch the show as it’s a regretful custom which doesn’t have an end, and to the non-conformists, the soul-mate believers, the educated PhD-ies, Masters’ or working women, you ladies need to flee before the trumpet blows.

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