EVERYTHING I could never tell you
Hidden Sadness. I was introduced to this phrase today, in fact, I made it up to express what is inside me – an inexpressible deep hurt, a pain so painful that I don't even imaginge ever going close, there is a load, a heaviness of grief, a knife deep stab that refuses to heal and with time is turning gangreous, a feeling of absolute rejection, a loneliness as space, a soundlessness as the grave, a pining for something I can't put words to – and here I am awake at 3 in the morning trying foolishly to delve in my darkest unconcious to find some clue, some resolve, some relief, some catharsis, simply, escape from misery.
Just because I carry on, just because I don't cry in private or public, just because I smile and laugh doesn't mean that there aren't experiences in my life that haven't shattered me to the core. My person, my identity, my sense of self, my wants, my needs have taken a back seat and somehow merged with the background, foreground, and to be quite honest everything around me. I can't separate myself with my life; what happens as a matter of course becomes another embedded sorrow, I have primarily failed to distinguish between what classifies as happiness.
I know laughter, perhaps more than some people, I laugh at times more than those around me, and yet there is inside me I find a large deep trough that is filled with rejection, bitterness, abuse, physical attacks on my body whose bruises and pain have healed but the scars remain invisible even to my own eyes. This hole is filled with all the times you screamed, with each taunt, with every slap, with every push, with every drop of blood that you made me bleed, it is overwheleming, with every time you remained indifferent to my health, to my needs, to my family, to what was important to me, it is stuffed with rudeness, with insults in public that were hurled at me, with everything I was blamed for which literally meant ALL that was right or wrong.
I have forgotten who I am. Literally I don't recognize the person that is what normally people refer as Lubna. I am alone in my sadness for even I don't know for sure what losses I have stuffed and re now hidden inside of me. How do I take this difficult and impossible task to search within myself, how do iI venture into the Hades of my soul and relearn to love myself for now I have come to believe I deserved and deserve whatever happens to me.