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Anxiety and all things terrible…..

I have been walking on egg-shells all my life; I have been struck by anxiety since puberty (I think) though at the time I didn't have a clue that it was a 'condition', and something could be done about it. I have passed puberty, errrr, some time back in the past, and, yet I haven't a clue how to 'handle' this condition I am afflicted by. These days we are swamped by slogans of how and what we must do to overcome stress and anxiety, and be all thankful for what we have and live happily ever after…hmmmm, just tried that for like the millionth time; and guess what it didn't work! I totally agree on being positive, being grateful for all our blessings, praying, loving and caring. But, in the short and the long run these are not cures for perpetual anxiety.

I worry endlessly. I get anxious about what has happened, why it happened, I should and ought to have done this instead of that and so on. This continous stream of 'stressed out consciousness' is exhausting and paralyzing. It drains you to the limit of your endurance. I believe going through a stressful or traumatic situation isn't half as bad as internalizing those bad experiences and then making them a part of your horizon. That is what panic-stricken people do, they obssess about what has happened, what is happening, and what may or may not happen in the future. The past is over and done with, we haven't the power to alter it the way we would want to while we have the luxury of time and hindsight to dissect it at leisure. I constantly draw parallel scenarios of my past years which always begins with either 'what if' or 'I should have'. All this is so unnecessary and I know that. But still it is what makes me me. I am those things that happened to me, in the sense that I am a product of all those unique encounters and experiences. As if that isn't enough I also get upset about the present, for so much is different from the way I wish things were. It is called REALITY, but anxious people like myself question 'what is' as opposed to 'what could be' at this present moment. I am anxious for I lack control to change my past or even know for sure if I would change it I would get the desired results, but of course since we are all assuming here, I prefer to imagine a perfect past which results in a perfect present. That hasn't happened and can neither happen. Yet my mind races on and on on 'ifs'. Dose this give me any consolation? NO. I simply get physically sick. I have attunted my outside persona to remain calm and quiet, while inside I am smouldering with anxiety and a feeling of helplessness.

walking on egg shells

I may be a bit too blunt but I am sure there are other lost souls like me who are forever aggrieved, and, angered, and anxious. For instance, I may get upset about other people's behavior, and it would send in a tremor in my system which will upset the whole facade and create cracks which will take time to repair. My body takes the full jolt of my racing mind, for I would not even be aware and my chest would start to constrict, I would suddenly find myself gasping for breath or even stumbling on my words…The first few times these panic attacks started to happen I couldn't for the life of me understand why my body was trembling, what the pounding heart meant, what was the dreaded feeling of a heavy stone descending on my chest. Over time my body has given up these symptoms, on the outside it remains as is, but on the inside something just shuts down, no, my whole body systems starts to go on a sleep mode, they become numb, my thoughts get dull and muddled, I can't concentrate, I can't focus on one thing, my body yearns rest and wants to go in complete hibernation. I want all life to PAUSE.

anxietyHow do I relax and get away from my demons? How do I dodge them? And why is it that these ghosts of the days gone, ghouls of the present, and the sirens of the future signal me and call upon me at hours uncertain. There are advises and advisors, aplenty. I know what 'actions' to take in order to rid myself of this constant anxiety and yet the hounds hound me no end…..

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