Point of View

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid of LAHORI WOMEN!

If there is one place in Pakistan where women rule the roost it is none other than the historic, magical, and provincial to the core, myopic but culturally vibrant city of Lahore. I have been a rather awed, silent and an extremely fearful observer of this ‘shock & awe’ phenomenon during the last two months I’ve been fortunate enough to be breathing the rarest air of this magnificent city of our beloved homeland (the fact that its polluted to the core is altogether an another issue!)

After careful study of genealogy I have come to understand this; the ‘Lahori woman specie’ is unique in its genetic linkage to the South American legendary race of the AMAZONS – women who were aggression, assertiveness, bodily strength personified!! The Amazonians race has died in its original homeland but has miraculously found its appearance in the genes of the Female of LAHORE – this city of the Mughals, of Ranjit Singh and now of the Sharif brothers of the Metro Bus.

But move over Akbar the Great, shove Ranjit Singh aside, and put a damp on the two uncomfortable-in-their own selves Sharif brothers; Lahore is the domain, under the reign, and in power of these more powerful than life women. They decide who lives and who dies a dishonorable death at whim. Going over my notes on observations on this specie from my personal diary I have arrived at the conclusion that this specie not only proves its ‘survival of the aggressive’ instinct, but also its excellent predatory capacities.

I’d like to share some of them here:

A friend commented beautifully almost poetically on the strategy employed by these women which is ‘COMING FROM ABOVE’ a lose translation of a Punjabi phrase to the same effect which basically means Offence is the best Defense. No matter who you talk to SHE is THE (pronounce thee) best in all facets of life, be it her personality, her profession, her home-making skills, her fashion sense, her education and lest I forget her FAMILY BAKE GROUND. Every woman is uber talented, uber sophisticated (kill me), uber sensational (torture me), uber sexy and uber (excuse me) unbearable.

They are masculine in their demeanor – shoulders stiff, chests (read huge ones) out, waists even farther out (if u may allow me to say it) dupatta usually draped on the head, at times not, body language similar to that of Dr.Firdous Ashiq Awan of the infamous Federal Information Ministry and LOUD to the max! [be it in voice, clothes, home decor,] You may do what you like, but once a Lahori woman starts talking on matters important to her (usually herself) she WILL SHOUT, OUT-TALK, NOT STOP FOR A BREATH till the poor victim is destroyed and dismayed at the utter ferocity of the attack. Hell, this is one offensive strategy that ought to be included in the training of Armed Forces of this country. Lahori women are born ‘thanedars’ what if they are not in the Police Service? They qualify for all posts from subedar to the Inspector General of the province. I mean why isn’t this resource being used to curb crime, traffic violations, and other heinous acts of horror is beyond me. CM Shahbaz Sharif are you listening? Please let your police officers go, and hire the Amazons of the land of the five rivers! and just wait for the miracle to happen.

At any office, professional place, organization they are the schemers and conspirators par excellence. They have in place extremely reliable and smooth running spy system where information is gained through ingenious ways – fitay moun to ISI and a slap on the face RAW, and for MI6, well I won’t even go there. If the intelligence system of the country is handed to these fantabulous creatures of nature the government of the day would be apprised of all happenings in every corner of the world within nanosecond, and that too with the least investment. No need for the gargantuan Interior Ministry which is proving to be a white elephant anyway, hell! I’d go as far as saying no need for the armed forces either – for this weapon is as lethal as it gets!

I have yet to meet one humble woman in this mysterious city which is slowly opening up its secrets to me. Be it the educated feminist or a University professor, be it just another normal home maker, and be it a working woman, or the wives and daughters of the power holders. The women here are so full of themselves, literally and figuratively, that they are bursting out at the seams.

‘Control’ – complete and total is what they require and from the looks of it, they are GETTING IT. I don’t know about you but for me all I can say is – I’m afraid very afraid!

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